greyhound is for the dogs

for some unknown reason (actually, it is known: money) i decided to take the bus back from ohio after spending some time out there going to weddings, visiting friends and riding roller coasters. so, i just got back from a marathon bus ride of nearly 20 hours. needless to say, i'm more than a little tired. but before i get too much further, i figured i'd transcribe a running diary i kept during the past day:

8:46 PM- just got my tickets at the Greyhound bus terminal in Cleveland, which in itself was a fairly arduous task. there was only one lady at the ticket counter, and she seemed to have an amazing propensity for taking extended breaks whenever a queue started to form. that behind me, i've taken the liberty to do some exploring. the terminal looks very clean, modern, and well-kept, but in reality it's pretty junky. the urinals don't flush, not a single one of the bathroom sinks work, and the water from the water fountains quite literally tastes like feces (not that i would know... it's just an educated guess). other than that, it's a great place. dave was generous enough to drive me over here, so counting the ferry ride from kelley's island and the drive over here i've already been mobile since 6:30. i've already met two interesting people: one guy who asked if i had any rolling papers for "cigarettes" while i was getting my stuff out of the van, and a lady who is traveling out to arizona to visit her trucker boyfriend who is recovering from being shot. needless to say, i feel slightly out of place at the moment

9:01 pm- supposedly you're not supposed to carry anything on a bus that you couldn't on an airplane. yeah, right. i'll be impressed if they find my pocket knife buried in my backpack without the aid of metal detectors. in other news... there's eight main doors in the terminal, each leading to a bus bound for different locations (at least, i assume they lead to a bus; what if it was a magic portal that immediately relocated you at your desired destination? i'd pay good money for that kind of service). most of the doors have a long lineup of bags in front of them, but the doors leading to pittsburgh and detroit are, surprisingly enough, completely devoid of any luggage. draw your own conclusions

9:18 pm- there's a guy here who looks exactly like joe montana. i'm pretty sure he's not, though. partly because i'm not sure why joe montana would be at a bus station in cleveland, but mostly because this "faux joe" is wearing a t-shirt that has the phrase "redneck entertainment system" emblazoned over a picture of a giant keg. but who knows. on the other extreme, a preppy looking kid carrying a large abercrombie and fitch shopping bag just got off of a bus and is waiting in line for another. i'm not sure he'll survive the night

9:36 pm-just for the record: i'm officially regretting not having paid the extra sixty bucks or so that it would have cost to fly home

9:51 pm- it just occurred to me that ever since 9/11, airports terminals have lost their top spot in the "best last chance to say goodbye locations" list. it's just not the same bidding someone farewell from the parking lot, or in front of a cantankerous security guard. train and bus stations might be the only forms of public transportation that allow you to say goodbye and then actually watch someone leave

10:06 pm- he's not joe montana. he's a heavy machine operator from pennsylvania on assignment in ohio, doing construction work at new ethanol plants. i just had to ask

10:17 pm- since this bus is ultimately bound for boston, i've decided to kick off my playlist for the evening with all the songs i have that mention boston. so far, all i've been able to come up with are "boston," by augustana; "shipping off to boston," by the dropkick murphys; and "the pirate who don't do anything," as performed by relient k. my bus drivers name is lenny. he just informed us that everyone needs to get off the bus in buffalo, at the ungodly hour of 2am. why, i don't know. all i know is that right now, i need some sleep. i had the foresight to acquire a window seat on the drivers side of the bus; my thought is that since we're headed east, that would place me on the north side of the bus for the majority of the bus, thus shielding me from the sun for the greatest possible time. brilliant, eh?

2:06 am- i think i slept some, but i'm not sure. all i know right now is that i just brushed my teeth, so i feel slightly more human. i've been told we're in buffalo. it could be a lie. the bathroom here is worse than the one in cleveland, which is saying something. i feel like i have a hangover. i should find the bus again and get back on it. ugh. ugh times a million.

4:18 am- there is water dripping on me from somewhere. i know i didn't dream it, because it woke me up, and then i felt it again. where would water be coming from? it's not raining out. is someone spitting at me? maybe it's a snake; they spit, don't they? so do camels, and llamas. maybe it's a llamel snake. i should try to get back to sleep, drip or no drip

5:50 am- rest stop in syracuse; i think this means a third of the trip (time-wise) has been completed. that's one part encouraging, and two parts horrid. i finally pinpointed the drip, once it got light enough out; it must be from condensation from the air conditioner. fortunately, i had my emergency roll of duct tape handy, so i covered up the leaky spot which seems to have solved the problem for now... however, the lady in front of me just started to complain that she was getting wet, so i may have inadvertently diverted the deluge rather than fixing anything. i just met a guy who is on his way to south china, maine, where my family lived when i was younger. what a small world. not many people know where south china is, let alone erskine academy and chadwick hill drive and all the other random spots in a small town that no-one who hasn't or doesn't live there would care about. i think i should eat a granola bar

7:25 am- i still feel incredibly sleep deprived: i feel like i've taken eight half-hour naps, rather than getting any sleep of real substance. small and uncomfortable seats, coupled with a re-emerging drip (applied liberal amounts of duct tape this time), no doubt have contributed to my lack of any real sleep

8:56 am- schenectady?

9:10 am- i think i'm awake for good now... can't seem to get back to sleep. the sun is out and i'm hungry; unfortunately, my stash of granola bars (now down to one) is stowed above my head, and the guy between me and the aisle is sound asleep. i'll hold off for now

12:15 pm- it's hard to write when the bus is moving, hence the increasingly sporadic nature of my entries. the bus has quite the rattle to it, which makes for a rough ride. i finally managed to grab my last granola bar, but that has long since worn off and i'm ravishingly hungry yet again. we're passing through worcester, ma right now, which is sort of discouraging: it's only a 2.5 hour drive from here to portland, but i have 6+ hours of travel time left due to a stop and layover in boston. traveling by bus is definitely cheaper than pretty much any other mode of travel... but, you get what you pay for

1:32 pm- boston. finally. now i have a two-and-a-half hour layover... yippee. a salad from mcd's, some pretzels, a coke, and a pack of gum serve to make me feel slightly more human

2:10 pm- the terminal smells like sweaty armpits. so i head outdoors, where it's beastly hot but at least there's some fresh air and the sun is shining. i've been indoors for far too long

3:05 pm- back inside. had a very interesting conversation with a guy named joe, who also happens to be bound for portland. he seems to have a genuine love for the Lord, attends church and knows the Word, but he's also a very strong proponent of the wacky tobaccy. he's had a rough past couple years; spent some time in prison for various charges, but now has a decent job and seems to be seeking and searching. had a long talk about marijuana, and why he thinks that it's perfectly legitimate for a christian to use it. i have to admit, he made some pretty convincing points, but at the end of the matter i just encouraged him to make sure that there wasn't anything keeping him from God that he was granting too much influence in his life. he was telling me he used to live in alaska on a large lake populate by inland seals, and that they had ginormous teeth and were the "wolverines of the water." joe also said that he had personally seen a wolverine take down a bear. of course, he did also say that "it can be hard to play the guitar when you're on acid," so i'm taking everything with a grain of salt. even so, i wouldn't want to mess with a wolverine. or one of those psycho seals.

3:55 pm- out of the terminal, onto the bus for the last 2-hour leg home. the bus is only about 1/3 full, so at long last there's plenty of room to stretch out

6:00 pm- portland. at long, long last. i just realized that i have zero food in the house, so i swing by the "save-a-lot" on my walk back to the apartment and pick up some bread, pb&j, some milk, and a tin of herring

6:30 pm- home. sweet, wonderful home. i survived. shower. bed. work tomorrow? at 6:30? wake up at 5? those thoughts don't matter. all i know is that right now i'm this close to being clean, full, and asleep, a three-for-one combo that has eluded me for quite awhile. g'night, world