musical mysticism

i’ve always been fascinated by horoscopes. i don’t mean that they fascinate me in the sense that i find myself believing in them, trusting them, or putting much stock in their claims whatsoever. what fascinates me is that they invariably use some sort of ranking system (in addition to their brief daily life forecast) to predict how good a day you will have. the local paper uses stars, of all things (how appropriate). but in all the years that i’ve been checking the paper, i’ve never seen someone’s day get assigned as few as two stars. definitely never just one. how can that be? surely there’s a chance that every now and then (sometimes more often than not), we’re going to have an absolute crap day. they can’t predict that? maybe it’s just me... but i find that fairly amusing. it’d be like predicting sunny skies with a light ocean breeze and temperatures in the 80’s... every single day of the year

anyways, i decided to borrow and slightly manipulate a different formula for both predicting the future, interpreting the past and understanding the present. i call it...

“the all-wise ipod”

simply devise a list of questions for your favorite media player, and then set it to play on random. carefully record the song titles as they come up, in order, and write them below the corresponding questions. you can use pre-existing questions, make up your own, or do some combination of the two. you may be surprised at how well your music knows you, and how accurate (or disturbing) some of it’s answers may be. two ground rules: no cheating with the answers (you have to listen to what your ipod tells you, even if it doesn’t make any sense), and you can’t make any important life decisions based on what your ipod tells you. i mean, really... would you trust a cheap piece of electronics to tell you what to do with your life, or an eternally optimistic newspaper horoscope? exactly.

so without further ado, here are all of my life’s questions answered for me...

1. how am i feeling today?
Hope Falls

2. will i get far in life?
Beautiful America

3. how do my friends see me?
Television

4. will i ever get married, and if so to whom?
Mr. Crowley (hands down winner for "most disturbing answer")

5. will I have a meaningful career?
Superstar

6. what is the story of my life?
Keep Movin’

7. if i had to describe my college life in one phrase, what would it be?
The Gladiator Waltz

8. how can i succeed in life?
Twilight and Shadows

9. what is the best thing about me?
In the End

10. how is today going to be?
Stars

11. what is in store for this weekend?
Faking Life

12. what song describes my family?
Learning to Breathe

13. if i had a dish at a restaurant named after me, what would it be?
This Is Your Life

14. how is my life going?
Citylights

15. what will be my last words before i die?
Hate (I Really Don’t Like You)

16. what song will they play at my funeral?
Light at my Feet

17. how does the world see me?
Green and Gray

18. what do my friends really think of me?
Someone to Die For

19. do people secretly lust after me?
Poparazzi

20. how can i make myself happy?
Railway

21. what should i do with my life?
Lie

22. where should i live?
Breakfast at Timpani’s

23. what is some good advice for me?:
Pootermobile

24. what's that smell?
Giant Squid!

25. what should be my signature karate move?
You Take My Heart Away

26. how do i feel after i eat fast food?
Two Hornpipes

27. should i consider a career as a pirate?
Don’t Underestimate

28. if i were to change my name to something exotic, what would it be?
About a Burning Fire

29. what is the meaning of life?
The Meaning of it all

30. should i ever try and juggle live grenades?
God help the outcast

i'm too amazed to respond to most of those answers... i bow before the supreme wisdom of technology

malaprop mom

my mom is an amazing source of wisdom. however, much of her knowledge tends to be imparted in a very nontraditional way. she has perfected the art of the "unintentionally wise mis-quote," wherein she rearranges, mashes, slices and dices well-known sayings into new, unusual, and yet surprisingly insightful quotes. for instance, the following are but a few of her many gems from over the years...

"the kids are eating like weeds these days"
"he's a chip off the old shoulder"
"no skin off my bones"

...and so on. but today, she came up with perhaps her best work yet. on the way home from the beach, the topic of conversation happened to land on a certain individual (anonymous and unimportant), about whom my mother made the following observation:

"he's a swell of a nice guy"


misspoken? perhaps. but nonetheless, it's yet another entry into the"mom-isms" book of lore