i'm no arachnaphobe, but...

last week, a spider bit me on my ankle while i was sleeping. it got all swollen and nasty and oozed disgusting fluids for three days (my ankle, not the spider), but now it's all better (thankfully!). this is an open letter to that spider, should it happen to read this:



dear spider that lives somewhere in my room,

i have nothing against spiders. in fact, i generally tend to think of you and your friends as welcome members on planet earth. i despise mosquitoes and other flying, biting insects, and they happen to be the very sort of creature that you enjoy for dinner. so i'd like to think that we can enjoy a sort of symbiotic relationship: we both can kill all of the mosquitoes, black flies, fruit flies, or even ants that we want to, as long as we look out for each other.

you had to go and ruin that, didn't you?

it would be one thing if i came close to stepping on you, or threatened one of your children, or initiated some other appreciably traumatic encounter. but no... you, for some unknown reason, felt the need to crawl under my covers, WHILE I WAS SLEEPING, and bite me near my ankle.

not cool.

did i do something to offend you? was it something i said? next time, just let me know, and perhaps we can work out our differences without resorting to biting. you're a spider; you should know that i am way too big too kill, even with your most potent brew of venom, and even if you wanted to chew on some man-flesh, i am far from succulent. your eight beady eyes should certainly have been able to deduce, even under the cover of night, that my skin is hardened and tough, not at all sweet and tender.

i'll chalk this whole series of events up to a simple understanding. you made a mistake... i can let it slide

but should you ever dare gnaw on my leg again, let me remind you of my reaction to some distant relatives of yours who also thought they could attack me in my sleep:




and, the retaliation:





so next time you have a case of the midnight munchies, look elsewhere for your late night snack. otherwise, our previously amicable relationship will take a turn for the worse, and i will hunt you down and kill you


yours truly,

patrick




(videos from the '05 road trip... you can read more about it here, or you can watch stupid short videos from it here. or not. whatever.)