26? me? no way

so, i'm older. somehow it feels like the years are exponentially increasing in their ability to relegate me to "old man" status. sure, 26 still sounds young... until you realize that you're closer to 30 than you are to 20. yikes. 25 can still be considered "early 20's" if you spin it the right way, but at 26, there's no denying it... it's middle-twenties at best, late-twenties at worst

sometimes i try and imagine what it would like to be young again, and to meet my present self. would i be happy with how i turned out? would i be excited to learn what i would have done, where i would have gone, who i would have for friends? i think i would. in some ways, i've accomplished next to nothing during my time on earth; i still don't have a "real" job, i'm about eight zillion light years away from owning a house, i don't even have a car (or a moped for that matter... dangit) and i only recently finished my undergraduate degree after cramming four years of college into seven years of life. but, on the other hand, i've done a fair bit of traveling. i've gone skydiving. i have an amazing assortment of friends scattered across the globe. i've learned how to surf. it's hard to contrast and compare different paths and experiences... would i have had a better life if i had gotten a great job right out of college, gotten married right away and bought a house which now housed two children? who knows. all i know is, i wouldn't trade the life i've lived for any other one...


(not that i could, but you get the point)


i've been doing a considerable amount of pondering and praying recently as to what the rest of my life should look like. the questions aren't new: "where should i live? what should i do for work? what does God want of me?" but for the first time, i think i know the answer. and it's not surprising... at least, it shouldn't have been, but it was/is nonetheless. rather than try and articulate it myself, i'm including the following quote from a book by Henri Nouwen. he was in the process of trying to decide whether he was being called to minister in latin america when he came to the following realization/conclusion:


"Today, I realized that the question of where to live and what to do is really insignificant compared to the question of how to keep the eyes of my heart focused on the Lord. I can be teaching at Yale, working in the bakery at Genesee Abbey, or walking around with poor children in Peru and feel totally useless, miserable, and depressed in all these situations. I am sure of it, because it has happened. There is not such a thing as the right place or the right job. I can be happy and unhappy in all situations. I am sure of it, because I have been. I have felt joyful in situations of abundance as well as poverty, in situations of popularity and anonymity, in situations of success and failure. The difference was never based on the situation itself, but always on my state of mind and heart. When I knew that I was walking with the Lord, I always felt happy and at peace. When I was entangled in my own complaints and emotional needs, I always felt restless and divided. It is a simple truth that comes to me at a time when I have to decide about my future. Coming to Lima or not for five, ten, or twenty years is no great decision. Turning fully, unconditionally, and without fear to the Lord is. I am sure this awareness sets me free to look around here without much worrying and binds me to the holy call to pray unceasingly."




wait a second: don't just skim/skip over that rather lengthy quote: it's worth reading in it's entirety. take your time... there's no hurry


(done? good)

i think most christians know that... but i don't think we (or, at least, i... i'll speak for myself here) fully comprehend how deep and true it is. the will of God for me is to walk with the Lord. that's it. everything else is secondary. while he does care what we do, where we live, and all that jazz, it will all fall into place if we are first and foremost seeking after God, and walking with him


i wrote the following over the summer while i was contemplating the same theme... it's nowhere near as eloquent as Nouwen puts it, and i failed to internalize what i was writing at the time, but looking back at it now it rings truer than i realized at the time...


sometimes i wish for a
profound revelation,
a signpost in the sky that points me
towards the life meant to be

sometimes i hope for
and angel to whisper in my ear,
turn my shoulders and guide me
towards God

sometimes i long for
a letter, which would read
something like this:

"dear You;
work here,
marry her,
travel there,
follow this path.
signed, God."

but the mailbox is empty
every time i check

then one day the thought occured,
what if my vision
of wisdom
is slightly blurred?
maybe God wants me to live,
wants me to choose,
wants me to use
what i already know to give
powerful meaning to the choices i make,
places i go,
people i date

maybe he wants me to grow up,
stop talking,
start walking

maybe God likes it when i

just

do

something.

perhaps i already know God's will;
it's to love
and to live
a life in which sin has already been killed.
a life which is focused
on loving God,
and others much more
than even myself

everything else falls into place
once i realize my call
and follow my Lord,
my all in all


in other news... the surf session last weekend was great. the waves were a little out of my league (consistently overhead sets, with some double-overhead sets rolling in), but it was great to be out in the water once again. poseidon worked me over pretty good on a few monsters that i foolishly tried to catch, but i did manage to snake in a couple decent rides in spite of the crazy-big conditions and over-crowded water. who ever would have thought that the ocean in maine in NOVEMBER would be a popular place to be, but apparently surfing is becoming increasingly popular in the north. there were a few canucks in the water, which was slightly disconcerting. their motto: "Canadians: now here year-round!" great


and on that note, it's time for my second supper.... adios